"BLACK ROOM" (2001) A legendary, god-tier episode of *Tales of the Unusual* starring Takuya Kimura. It is a monumental masterpiece—likely the first time in mainstream Japanese television that a comedy was driven by such overwhelming, absurd deadpan humor. At the time, it felt so fresh that it delivered an unknown level of laughter. Kirin Kiki and Rentaro Mikuni (Shiga) as the deadpan parents were also top-notch. Even by today's standards, it is a shocking, legendary masterpiece. (Starring: Takuya Kimura / Written and Directed by Katsuhito Ishii)
Synopsis Naoki (Takuya Kimura) returns to his family home for the first time in a while, but his parents (Rentaro Mikuni and Kirin Kiki) are acting strange. The inside of the house also looks bizarre and is pitch black. Whenever Naoki asks about it, his father just repeats that they "remodeled."
Antarctica: 11:12 AM / Japan: 19:12 Naoki (Takuya Kimura) has returned home to Japan from studying abroad in the US for the first time in three years. Yet, something is wrong. The house is gone? It's pitch black? Opening a door that looks like a spaceship hatch, Naoki climbs up from below. Right in front of him, his parents are indeed there. The three of them sit and talk at the dining table.
After a moment of silence: Naoki: "What on earth is this place?" Mother: "Your father quit his job." Naoki: "I already knew that because you sent me a letter." Mother: "And we remodeled the house a bit." Naoki: "A bit?! This isn't just a bit!" Father: "Well, my severance pay was unexpectedly small..." Unable to make sense of the situation, Naoki explains that when he got off at the station and came this way, everything was pitch black. Thinking the house was pitch black and that he must have wandered into the wrong place, he finds the two of them here like this, and demands an explanation of what is going on.
Naoki: "What is going on with my house?" Mother: "It's not your house, legally speaking it's your father's and my house." Naoki: "I know that." Father: "Well, my severance pay was unexpectedly..." Naoki: "I heard that already. Why do you suddenly switch to 'Well, my' every time the subject of severance pay comes up?" Mother: "What's wrong with that? That's just the kind of person he is." Naoki: "Is that the kind of person he is?" Mother: "Anyway, how are things at university?" Naoki: "It's not 'Anyway, how are things at university?'—what on earth has happened to this house?" Father: "Well, my unexpectedly..." Naoki: "I heard that already. You're being so persistent. Over and over again, have you gone senile or something?" The parents gasp, startled. Naoki: "Eh?" Father: "Were you surprised?" Naoki: "What is this?" Mother: "What is what?" Naoki: "Not 'what is what.' What is that? Why are you doing that whole married couple routine where you get startled because someone noticed you went senile?" Mother: "We thought it would make you happy." Naoki: "Huh? Have I ever been happy when you guys pulled something like that before?" Mother: "No." Naoki: "Right, you haven't. So don't do stuff like that. What is wrong with you two? Seriously, it's terrifying."
The parents suddenly stand up with a loud "Bang!" Their chairs fall over very slowly, and they briefly make penguin-like gestures with their hands. Mother: "Were you surprised?" Naoki: "Of course I am!" Mother: "☆◆×÷▲＃" Naoki: "What?" Mother: "When you say 'Were you surprised?' backwards, it sounds like '☆◆×÷▲＃'." Naoki falls silent... The parents slowly sit back down, then suddenly jump up again. Naoki: "No, stop it already. Seriously." Mother: "Were you surprised?" Naoki: "No, just act normal. Just act normal." The parents abruptly start making small talk about the area around the station.
Naoki: "Hey, come on, don't ignore me. Acting normal is fine, but why are you giving me the silent treatment?" Mother: "Anyway, how is university in America?" Naoki: "It's spring break." Father: "Summer Vacation." Naoki: "You don't need to use English, and besides, you got it wrong." Mother: "You should have let us know." Father: "Showing up so suddenly." Naoki: "I wanted to surprise you." Mother: "We were so surprised~." Father: "So surprised." Naoki: "Actually, you guys don't look surprised at all!" Father: "Is that any way to speak to your parents?!" Mother: "Apologize, Naoki." Naoki: "Sorry... But seriously, what happened to this house? Where is my room?" Mother: "We want to talk about that slowly." Naoki: "Why?"
Father: "Did you make an American girlfriend or something?" Naoki: "What are you talking about?" Mother: "Did you make an American girlfriend?" Naoki: "Why?" Father: "Is it hard to talk about?" Naoki: "No." Mother: "Did you make an Amee-rican girlfriend?!!" (Emphasized)
Naoki: "Well." Mother: "Ah." Father: "Is she pretty?" Naoki: "......" Parents: "Haaah..." Naoki: "Don't sigh. It's fine, it's not like we're getting married right away." Mother: "That's right, it's not like you're getting married." Father: "Even if she's ugly, I can accept it." Naoki: "Don't call her ugly." Father: "But she is ugly, right?" Naoki: "No." Mother: "Is she pretty?" Father: "Is it a guy?" Naoki: "Of course it's not a guy!" Father: "Then... is she ugly?" Naoki: "Stop saying 'ugly, ugly' with such a serious face."
Mother: "So she's not pretty either, then." Naoki: "Wait a minute. Does the world only consist of pretty girls, ugly girls, and guys?" Father: "Then... somewhere in the middle?" Naoki: "......Her personality is nice." Parents: "Haaah..." Naoki: "Don't look so disappointed." Mother: "Don't you have photos or anything?" Naoki: "I do." Mother: "Then show me!!" A hand reaches out right in front of Naoki's eyes with an intense sound effect! Naoki: "No, another time, later." The parents keep dragging on the whole "ugly or pretty" debate. Where does this fall on a scale between average, pretty, and... Naoki: "You're so persistent! Whether someone is pretty or ugly is a matter of personal preference!"
Antarctica: PM 7:12 Who is typing on the computer? Deciding he should ask questions one by one and try to sort things out, Naoki speaks up. "What is this place? It was so much trouble getting here." He had to go through tunnels and stairs just to finally arrive. Naoki: "What is this place?" Mother: "It's the kitchen." Naoki: "Then why is it so dark?" Father: "Hey, let's have some tea." Mother: "Good idea." Naoki: "Never mind the tea, hey, hey, hold on, Mom!" Mother stomped away—pat-pat-pat-pat-pat-pat-pat-pat...—into the darkness. After footsteps that seemed to go on forever, Mom returns, making a loud echoing sound, completely exhausted. Pant, pant. Naoki: "Is it huge? It's huge, right?! Hey, it's huge, right?!" Mother: "It's not that big." Naoki: "Ha, ha." As Naoki stands up to see just how big it is, his father grabs his arm. Father: "Stop!" Mother: "There are places under construction and stuff." Naoki: "Under construction?" Father: "It's dangerous if you fall into a hole or something." Naoki: "A hole? What hole? Hey." Father: "Never mind! Sit down!" Mother: "Sit down, Naoki!" Startled by their intense fierceness, he sits down, whereupon his father makes a loud fart noise with his mouth: *Pfffffft*. Mom chuckles: *Hehehe*. Naoki: "Is that what you wanted to do?" Father: "What?" Naoki: "Did you make me sit down just so you could make a fart noise?" Father: "No." Mother: "That's not it." Naoki: "It's not?" Naoki: "What is this? Are you kidding me?!" He starts to stand up again, but his father grabs his hand. Naoki: "Ow, ouch, ouch, ouch!" Father: "Sit down, Naoki." Mother: "Let's talk calmly." Father: "Let's talk calmly, Naoki." As he rubs his hand in pain and reluctantly sits back down, another noise rings out: *Peeeeeeeee*. The parents chuckle: *Hehehehe*. Naoki forces a polite smile. "What's so funny?" Mother: "You farted, didn't you?" Naoki: "I did not fart." Father: "Well, whatever (in a familiar impersonation style)." Naoki: "Who is that?" Father: "Shut up." Naoki: "What do you mean 'shut up', you jerk!" The father gets angry, slams the table, and stands up. "Is that any way to talk to your father, Naoki?!" Mother: "Dear." Father: "I know. I want you to make one promise. I want you to promise me one thing." Naoki: "What promise?" Sound effects go bang, bang, bang! Making you wonder what on earth is going on, before the parents burst into laughter: *Hehehehehe*. Naoki: "What is it?" Mother: "Think about Naoki's fart." Naoki: "That wasn't my fart!" Father: "All right, Naoki." Mother: "I'm sorry." Naoki sighs. Father: "She's saying she's sorry. What's wrong? Sulking a little bit like a spoiled brat..." A spoiled brat... Naoki: "What is this promise you want me to make?" Father: "We don't want you to ask about the house. Since you're studying abroad in America, for now in Japan it's just my, Kazuko's, and Masako's house." Naoki: "Who is Masako?" The parents hesitate, claiming it's a private matter. Naoki: "Private? We're family!" Mother: "Masako is your younger sister." Naoki: "I have a sister? Me?" Father: "Didn't we mention it?" Naoki: "I never heard about that." Mother: "Your memory is poor, isn't it?" Naoki: "It's not 'your memory is poor.' And besides, you just glossed right over it! Masako is the first I've heard of this. When was she born? Why are you both quiet?" Mother: "We're embarrassed." Naoki: "Why would you be embarrassed in front of your son? Why didn't you tell me in a letter or a phone call?" Father: "We wanted to surprise you." Naoki: "What's the point of surprising me with that?!"
Mother: "Anyway, dear—" Naoki: "Hey, don't change the subject, you jerk!" Father slams the table again and stands up. "Don't call me a jerk, you jerk! The person who says 'you jerk' is the jerk!" Mother: "Dear, don't say nonsense. Well, we'll talk about your sister by and by." Naoki: "No, not 'by and by', talk about it now! How old is she? Where is she? Stuff like that." Father: "We can't tell you right now. There are various reasons." Mother: "We'll talk about that next time Naoki comes back to Japan." Naoki: "What kind of nonsense is that?" The parents start sobbing quietly. They beg him not to ask right now. Naoki falls silent.
Naoki: "But when was she born? If it was right after I went to America, is she two or three?" Father: "Ten years old." Naoki: "Ten years old?!" Mother: "Don't act surprised at every little thing. And you shouldn't be saying unnecessary things either." Naoki: "It's not unnecessary! We're talking about my little sister." Naoki's eyes are drawn to a photo on the shelf. Is that a photo from when they volunteered at an orphanage for children with no relatives? Naoki: "Adopted?" Father: "No." At that moment, as Naoki stares at his parents, memories of his childhood flash through his mind. Himself, watching from the shadow of the sliding door as his parents talked about how they should thank God just for having Naoki born to them... Naoki: "Hmm, alright. Masako, was it? I'll ask you about her next time." Father: "Sorry about that." Naoki: "Nah, it's fine, there must be a lot going on." Mother: "Sorry, Naoki." Naoki: "No, I was being immature too." Father: "Anyway, until you come back next time, please don't ask or look into anything about the house." Mother: "In exchange, we won't complain no matter what kind of ugly girl you date in America." Naoki: "Seriously?" Father: "Seriously." Mother: "Seriously." Father: "Seriously." Mother: "Seriously." Father: "Seriously." Mother: "Seriously." Naoki: "Still, I can't help wondering how big this room actually is." Mother: "Then show us the photo." Father: "Then show us the photo." Naoki: "Fine. I promised I wouldn't ask anymore, right?" The parents look relieved. Father: "Ah, Mom, do we have any beer?" Mother: "We do. The batch your father impulse-bought about 200 bottles of recently." Naoki: "200 bottles?!" According to Mom, Dad has recently been drinking 50 bottles a day? Naoki: "He'll die!" Mother: "It's fine, he's not a normal person." Naoki: "???" As Dad goes out to get a beer, the sound of a motorcycle engine echoes from inside the house! Naoki looks suspicious. Father: "Well, well, well, sorry to keep you waiting..." Naoki: "......It *is* huge!! Why is it this big?!" Mother: "You promised not to ask." Naoki: "But Dad just rode a motorcycle out here, didn't he?" Father: "You promised not to ask!" Naoki: "I suppose I did." Father: "Well then, to celebrate Naoki's homecoming—though Mom's already started drinking." Mother: "Aaaah! Refill."
At that moment, Naoki realizes the cause of his parents' strange behavior. What do people in the world call someone who drinks 50 bottles of beer a day? "Disqualified as a human being." Let's leave them be tonight and take them to the hospital tomorrow. The story about a 10-year-old sister is probably fabricated too, though he now regrets that when he heard it, feelings of surprise were mixed with a strange sense of joy.
Naoki imagines a cute young girl saying, "Big brother, Masako wants to go to America too." Just in case Masako actually exists, is it safe to leave her in the care of these two? As he thought that, the incident occurred! (The narration voice gets overlapped by a weird alien voice, making it sound double...) Suddenly, an emergency siren-like sound blares, and a radio-like device pops out of the table. Father: "Eh? Gaston has appeared in Antarctica? Issuing a special state of emergency immediately! Roger!" Naoki: "Gaston? What? What?" The radio retracts back into the table, and Naoki pats the spot where it came out. Mother: "Kazuko Yunomoto, pulse rate normal." Father: "Kazuo Yunomoto, 5% higher than normal!" Mother: "Deemed combat-ready index! GO!" Mother's chair suddenly jets backward, and machinery pops up all around her one after another. "This is Special International Agency Yunomoto! Calling all comrades in Antarctica and surrounding areas! ......" Naoki is in a state of confusion. Mom! What! Dad! Suddenly, a monitor rises from the floor, showing a mysterious creature on screen.
Naoki: "What is this, Gaston?" At that moment, an eerie figure wearing combat gear drops down onto the table from above! Naoki: "Who the hell are you?!" Masako: "I am the part-time combatant of Special International Agency Yunomoto, Masako Yunomoto!" Naoki: "You're just a guy!" Masako: "My heart is a 10-year-old maiden! And I'm your little sister!" Naoki: "You look like a guy from any angle! What's more, you look older than my old man from any angle!" At that moment, Dad emerges clad in combat gear. "What is this?!" Masako hits Naoki on the head, does a cartwheel, and runs off. Dad yells "Hyah!" and chases after Masako. Naoki: "Dad... Dad!! Hey, Mom, what is going on here?!" Mother: "Special International Agency Yunomoto, shifting to combat formation!" Machines clang and whir as they reveal themselves one after another!
Mother: "Dad, Masako, are you ready?" Father: "Of course!" Naoki: "What do you mean 'of course'?" Masako: "You won't get away with this!" Naoki: "Hey, who even is this?!" His voice cracks! Mother: "Release locks!" Naoki: "Locks? What are you doing with your hands?" Mother: "Kazuo Yunomoto fighter jet, launch!" Father: "Here I go!" Mother: "Masako Yunomoto fighter jet, launch!" Masako: "Here I gooooooo!" Two Gundam-like fighter jets launch with a roaring sound! "Hyaaaaah!! Uwaaaaaah! Th-this is amazing..." Naoki's expression of shock suddenly hints at a trace of excitement.
Then Mom smoothly glides back, sitting calmly at the original table drinking tea. Naoki: "Mom, hold on, I want to ask you something." Mother: "You promised not to ask, Naoki." (Chaka-chaka-chan! Combat-style background music kicks in) Naoki: "Yeah." Mother: "When the time comes, you'll be busy too." Naoki takes off his cap, holds it in front of his chest, and instinctively salutes.
(End)
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