Morning. I'm going to tell you about a time I went camping near Mount Atago in Kyoto. It was when I was a student. At the end of summer, I went on a three-day, two-night camping trip with two close male friends—the kind of friends where we were so close we could practically lick each other's assholes. It was deep in the mountains, far from civilization, in an area you couldn't enter without permission from the landowner (I'm not the landowner, though). It was just the three of us guys. As time went on, our excitement grew, and we all ended up drinking a little too much. Eventually, all three of us started shouting, "We're the naked tribe!" and spent our time completely in the nude. Thinking back now, maybe that provoked something's anger. The incident happened on the evening of the second day.
Since I was the only one among the three of us who could cook, I was in charge of making dinner. That day, it was sukiyaki. Just as I finished searing the meat, I realized we were out of cooking sake. I told A, who was swaying in a hammock completely naked, "Go get some," but A said, "No way." Let me clarify here: A was normally an abnormally good-natured guy, and under normal circumstances, he definitely would have gone to get it. Thinking, "Is he in a bad mood or something?" I went over to the tent to get the cooking sake from the cooler. It was about a five-meter walk, taking maybe twenty seconds. B was sleeping inside the tent. When I got back, I was shocked. The meat in the pot was completely gone. For some reason, I became convinced that A had eaten it, and I confronted him. If I had thought about it for even a second, I would have realized it was impossible: it was piping hot beef straight off the flame, and quite a large amount at that, considering it was for three college students. There was no way anyone could devour all of that in under twenty seconds. Plus, A was a good guy. He would never do something so greedy.
"Did you eat it?" A looked back at me with a face that said he had no idea what I was talking about. Naturally so. In reality, there was no way A could have eaten it. "The meat is gone, isn't it?" Furious, I yelled at him, but A just grinned and said, "Search me." This attitude, so completely out of character for A, made me even angrier, and I even thought about killing the bastard. Let me make it clear again: at this point, I was clearly acting abnormally. I could feel my emotions running wild on their own. I remember thinking vaguely, *What the hell am I getting so worked up over just some meat?* (By the way, I was completely sober. I can't hold my liquor to begin with. And just to confess, I was the only one who was both sober and part of the "naked tribe.") My tongue wouldn't cooperate, and I screamed at A with slurred, incomprehensible words, while A just kept smiling and repeating things like "Huh?" and "Heh?" If B hadn't shown up then, I might have beaten A to death with a rock from nearby.
B half-shouted, "What the hell is going on?" but at that moment, I couldn't have cared less, and A seemed equally indifferent. At that point, my mouth was moving on its own, and I had no idea what I was even saying anymore. My consciousness was rapidly fading, and the next thing I knew, B was standing right in front of me, wearing his clothes and holding a plastic water tank. From here on is the story I heard from B. Hearing some kind of shouting, B had come out to check, and found two naked, terrifying-looking old men screaming at each other. According to B, my eyes were slanted upward so severely it looked like my face was turning vertical, and A was grinning so widely it looked like the corners of his mouth were about to split. Anyway, B thought, *This is bad,* so he went back to the tent, got dressed, and dumped water on both me and A. In the end, we cut our trip short and hiked down the mountain that very day. In the car on the way back, B said, "You guys didn't look like human faces." The three of us are still friends to this day, but we've stopped getting completely naked while camping. All of you should be careful, too.
So where did the meat actually go?
Ah, I forgot to mention that. We never did find out. Among the three of us, we've settled on the explanation that "it was some kind of trap set by something." A insists to this day that he definitely didn't eat it.
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