February 14, 2012, 21:56 http://www.pixiv.net/novel/show.php?id=816602 A Master Series Self-Parody Whoever came up with the idea of Valentine's Day can just blow up. All those couples getting all giddy and lovey-dovey presenting c*cks to each other on Valentine's Day can blow up too. That sad school-day memory of searching the inside of my desk even though there was no way a c*ck could possibly be in there, making a show of going to the toilet, and coming back to search again—that can blow up too. That memory of thinking, "If you add 10 months and 10 days [the gestation period] to February 14th, you get December 24th, so that girl was lamenting that her birthday would land on Christmas and her birthday and Christmas presents would get lumped together... oh, so *that's* what that means," and somehow getting all excited back then—that memory can blow up too. Actually, Valentine's Day itself can just blow up.
As I was passionately holding forth about things like this in the club room, Aruku-san, an inactive senior member who was sitting all cozy and quiet inside the kotatsu for a change, silently began rummaging through the bag at her side and suddenly pulled out something neatly wrapped. Eh? A c*ck? No way. Aruku-san silently holds it out. To me. A c*ck for me? Man, that's huge. Such a huge c*ck? As I take it and stare in utter astonishment, Aruku-san quickly averts her gaze, and while looking away, hands me something that looks like a letter.
It was the winter of my second year in university. As was the case every year, I had absolutely no luck with c*cks, yet still, with some shred of expectation hidden in my chest, I made pointless trips to the university laboratory and the club room. Pointless because, naturally, there wasn't a single sign of a c*ck lingering anywhere. "Yeah, yeah, OK, OK, I knew it, I knew it, time to go home and eat my daily-special convenience store bento," I thought, dropping my shoulders. Yielding to the surging impulse despite my dejected posture, I had been muttering nonsense inside the kotatsu, but... To think I'd end up holding a package that looked like a c*ck in the end, struck completely dumbfounded. "No, no, no, this is bad," I snap out of it and appeal to Aruku-san. Aruku-san has a boyfriend. He's a senior member from the same club, and also my master in the occult path. This isn't like receiving obligatory chocolate. If word gets out that I got a c*ck this huge, I shudder to think what kind of hell I'll be put through later. As I appeal to her with frantic gestures, Aruku-san silently shoves the letter at me. *To darling* It was written on the front. Uh, well, this is... "Go give it to him." Ah, I see how it is. My apologies. I got a bit too full of myself. "Also, this." Aruku-san pulls another piece of paper from her bag. When I look at the one handed to me, it's a map. A hand-drawn one at that. Looks like a map of this town. "What is this?" "A map." I can see that much. "He's over there." Ah, so that's it. A map showing the whereabouts of my master, the intended recipient of this c*ck. She could just deliver it herself instead of entrusting it to me. I thought that, but considering how Aruku-san was curled up alone in the club room kotatsu instead of going on a date on Valentine's Day, there might be circumstances where asking questions would be dangerous. It looks cold outside, but when Aruku-san asks a favor, I have no choice. This person has saved me from dangerous situations time and again, so I couldn't possibly refuse. Above all, I was terrified of this pint-sized person whose thoughts are completely inscrutable. "Well, I'm heading out." I didn't have my bag, so I tucked the box containing the c*ck under my arm and left the club room. Aruku-san is waving from inside the kotatsu. I give her a small wave back and close the door, the cold gripping my face. Emerging from the club building and straddling my bicycle, I check the map I was given, thinking it's awfully rough. Actually, looking closer, it's way too rough! The spot where a cute drawing of Aruku-san is sketched must be the club room I just left. An arrow extends from there, and the next turn is the university's main gate. There's a drawing that looks like a gate, so I understand up to that point. However, the arrow's next destination is a traffic light. The direction seems to be south, but which intersection's traffic light it is remains a complete mystery. Anyway, I'm supposed to turn left there. After that, the map is overflowing with cute illustrations, completely lacking any precision as a map. At the spot that seems to be the destination, marked with a drawing of a boy, the arrow just stops with no other landmarks in sight. No, wait, there's something that looks like a coffee cup nearby, so it might be a coffee shop. But with not even the name of the shop given, there's nothing I can do. For now, I decide to pedal toward the traffic light. Shivering in the cold as I ride, a traffic light comes into view. Is this it? I check the map, and the arrow turning left points next to an illustration of curry. Oh, I see. That curry restaurant? Then the traffic light is still further ahead. I'm starting to get the hang of the rules. I might actually manage this. After the curry restaurant, the arrow turns in the direction of a train drawing, so it's probably that railroad crossing up ahead. And so I pedaled through the town relying on the hand-drawn map. I almost got lost a few times, but by planning my route a couple of illustrations ahead, I managed to keep moving forward. That lasted until an illustration appeared that made me rub my eyes in disbelief. A cat. A drawing of a yawning cat. There are no pet shops in a place like this. The closest one is in a completely different direction. What on earth is this cat supposed to indicate? I don't see any signs or anything like that around. While I was standing bewildered by the roadside, a cat suddenly came into my field of view. A stray cat curled up in the shadow of a utility pole. Our eyes met for a fraction of a second. The cat flinched, but perhaps losing its wariness when I didn't move from the spot, it opened its mouth wide and let out a yawn. A yawning cat. No way. I thought that, but another part of my mind was already telling me: *This is it.* Aruku-san possessed a power bordering on precognition. Something so sharp it couldn't simply be explained as having good intuition. It was a map drawn by her. This must be what it meant. Following the arrow, I turned the intersection where the yawning cat was. Before I knew it, I had arrived at the next illustration's location: the one-eyed frog. One of the eyes of the frog statue in front of the pharmacy was cracked. There was no mistaking it. It felt deeply unsettling. I felt as though this time I was spending now, wandering around making wrong turns, was being peeked at from the past. As if I were entirely in the palm of her hand. Even so, enduring the biting chill of midwinter wind, I pedaled my bicycle and finally reached the spot marked with the boy and the coffee cup. No doubt about it. This is the coffee shop. I felt a bit anxious having come all the way out to an area I wasn't very familiar with, but this seemed to be the only coffee shop around here. Stepping inside the unfamiliar coffee shop, it was warm, and I let out a sigh of relief. I looked around for Master, but he was nowhere in sight. Still, I wasn't all that worried. It was a map drawn by Aruku-san. Since I followed it to the letter, there was no way I wouldn't meet him. And even if I didn't, it wouldn't be my fault. I sat down and ordered a hot coffee. As I sipped the drink the waitress brought shortly after, I stared intently at what I'd been entrusted with. A c*ck, huh? Will Master be happy? I hope he is. I honestly felt that way. Glancing out the window, a familiar profile caught my eye. Master. We met after all. I immediately bolted out of the coffee shop and called out to him in front of the place. Master's eyes went wide with shock. I was just as shocked. Master wasn't alone. He was with a woman. And not just any woman—someone I knew very well. Master and that woman looked awkward and started making excuses like, "What a coincidence meeting you here...", but when I handed over the package and letter containing the c*ck, saying, "From Ayano-san," their expressions changed completely. The looks on their faces suggested they had given up all hope. I had a faint inkling of where the path ahead of this road led. Weren't there love hotels around here? The woman, flustered, said she was "going home" and hurried back alone the way she had come. Master, looking pale, told me "Good work" as he accepted the package and the letter. Both the woman from earlier and Master knew firsthand just how terrifying Aruku-san—Ayano—could be. The thought that she saw through everything terrified me too. Master immediately broke the seal of the envelope marked *To darling*. And the moment he read the letter inside, he groaned, "This is bad." When I asked him what was wrong, he swallowed hard and said this: "Apparently, if I don't eat this c*ck right now, I die." Is that so? "And if I do eat it, apparently it tastes good if I'm innocent." Is that so? "And if I'm not innocent..." If he's not innocent? "It seems I'll blow up." He said that, shaking like a leaf. Surely not just from the bone-chilling cold. I hope he does. Blow up. "I'm heading home." With that, I turned on my heel, leaving behind Master, who stood rooted to the spot in front of the coffee shop, clutching the letter and the package of the c*ck. The wind rushed past my ears with an ominous sound. (End)
Comments (-)